Lestan Powers International Vampire of Mystery
by Jaded Scorpio
Summary: What if Lestt was Austin Powers?
1. Lestan Powers Chapter 1

Disclaimers: No infringements of anyone's copyrights are intended. This is a parody speculated for fun. It is still covered under my first amendment rights. I mean no disgrace to anything and anyone, this is all in fun! yada yada

GENERAL WARNING: I reserve the right to include anything I want into my writing, including but not limited to: violence, really gory sick violence, SEX, blood, rock and roll, love between any and all genders, bitching, SEX, male rape (no female, I'm not sick ;P), bloody messy entrail violence, blasphemy, stereotypes, caustic remarks, SEX, dismemberment, satire and ridicule of anything and everything, even and especially that which is undeserving, and SEX. And SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX,!!!!!!! If you ignore this and are offended I will laugh in your face! HA HA HA!

Additional disclaimers: I am also not required to include any of the above elements, for those of you who are shame-challenged. We all have decent days, even yours truly.

I wanted to start posting some fics, but I was afraid to start with something serious. And there haven't been any sillies in a while….

Comments: Be gentle, its my first time ;P.

Lestan Powers: International Vamp of Mystery

By Jaded Scorpio

Characters:

Lestan 'Brat' Powers-----Lestat/Austin

Mr. Kinsey-----Louis/Ms. Vanessa Kensington

David Talbot-----David/Basil

Dr. Evil----Armand 

Daniel----Daniel/Scott Evil

Frauliene Chaud—Jesse/Frau...uh, that German woman

Red Painter----Marius

Alotta Crepe—Sybelle

            After his arch enemy, Dr. Evil, froze himself emotionally and physically in the 20's, our hero, Lestan Powers went underground to await his return. Now, after the passing of the sixties, seventies, the eighties, and nineties (which was a damned good decade), Dr. Evil has returned to menace free love, Hair bands, and general fun stuff.

            We join David Talbot, and his agents, at the site of Lestan's internment. "Lestan Powers! You are needed! Dr. Evil has returned, and you are the only one who can stop him!" 

            They stare at the hole. "Nothing's happening."

            "Yell louder."

            "LESTAN POWERS! HELP! POUVEZ-VOUS M'AIDER?!"

            "Nothing's moving."

            "Wait! That dirt clod there moved!"

            "You touched it with your foot."

            "Did not!"

            "Oh, yes you did, Aaron."

            David sighed. "Oh, bullocks. Get the bloody shovels."

**FOUR HOURS LATER**

            Lestan wakes up and brushes himself off. "Oh, 'ello love, I'm Lestan Powers, International Vamp of Mystery. You know you remind me of a friend I used to have."

            "Lestan—"

            "Course he was much younger. You're not bad for an old guy."

            "Lestan! It is me! I'm David Talbot!"

            "Shouldn't you be dead by now?"

            "That's another story."

            "Christ, you're bloody old. I don't think I can be attracted to you anymore…"

            "Lestan! Dr. Evil is threatening to blow up New Orleans if his demands for a hundred billion dollars aren't met! You must save us!"

            "I thought you lived in England."

            David smacks himself. "That's only the first city on the list."

            "Only a hundred billion? Why didn't he ask for more, like a million dollars?"

            "Oh, Lestan it is more!"

            "I know, that's why I said so."

            "No, no a hundred billion is much more than a million."

            "Why didn't you say so? Well then, I had better get cleaned up."

            "I'll brief you in the car."

            "I already told you David, you're too old."

            "You were attracted to me when you first opened your eyes."

            "I haven't had any in seventy years man!"

            "Really, that was seventy years?" Everyone starts counting on their fingers.

            "Close enough!" Lestan snarled at them. 

He leers at David. "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I get you randy?"

            "I just want to be friends Lestan."

            "Sure, baby."

DR. EVIL'S SECRET VOLCANO BASE

            Dr. Evil rubbed his bald head. "It's all an unanticipated part of the unfreezing process," blubbered the scientist.

            "Silence Santiago! What you did to my gorgeous auburn locks is inconsequential. But look what you did to Mr. Laurent! He's bald!"

            "It wasn't designed for cats---" Dr. Evil grabs him and drains him, and then tosses him into the volcano. The remaining henchmen watch as he is incinerated.

            "Hmmm, dinner and a show," Dr. Evil cackles.

            "Some of you I know, some of you I don't, and some of you I…I… Well, introduce yourselves."

            "You know me, Doktor. I am Frauliene Chaud."

            "A misnomer if I ever heard one."

            "I am the Red Painter! I always wear red, and I always paint my victim's death on the wall, in red---BLOOD! MWAH HAH HAH!"

            "Riiiiight."

            "Oh, Doktor, there is someone I must introduce you to. Remember that blood you left, if you didn't return, we were to create an evil fledgling? Well, we got bored one day, and well…DANIEL!"

            A slightly drunk young man totters in.

            "My-my son?" They nod vigorously.

            "Daniel? I'm your Father. Come here boy."

            "I've never seen you in my life. What, now you expect to just walk into my life and everything will be okay? I hate you!"

            "How 'bout a hug son?"

            "Get away from me, you freak! I look older than you!"

            "Come here Danny boy." 

            "No way!" he bolts, and Dr. Evil runs after him, chasing him all through the secret volcano base.

MOTHERHOUSE

            Our hero has outfitted himself in a smashing blue suit of crushed velvet, ankle boots, and a ruffle-collared poet's shirt. He has also donned his trademark male symbol necklace, complete with an additional male symbol and female hanging from it, for "Lestan Powers does not discriminate!"

            David strode in. "Good news Lestan. Your faithful canine sidekick will soon be out of cryo."

            "Smashing, baby. Once Lestan Powers gets his Mojo going, there's no stopping him."

            "Right now I need you to go to the Psychedelic Pussycat. Dr. Evil's operatives often meet there. We need you to discover the location of his secret base. The Pussycat has a Sixties theme, so you'll, uh, fit right in."

            "Groovy, baby. I've been studying what I've missed, and the sixties are as far as I've gotten."

            "Um, well, off you go. You may take the Jaguar."

            "It's the Shaguar, David. Get it right man, you don't want to sound like an idiot."

PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT

            "What a groovy pad! Oh, hello." He smiled to the dancers. "And hello."

            A waitress approached. "Here's your drink sir."

            "I didn't order any—".

            "It's from that woman over there."

            "Oh." He spins around to see a brunette wave and giggle. "Oh, well, hell-O."

            He takes her hand and kisses it. "Lestan Powers, International Vamp of Mystery. And you are?"

            "Sherman. Williams," she smiled.

            "So what can I do for you Ms. Williams? Oh, I know!" He pulls off her wig. "It's a bloody man!" The crowd stares.

            "Sherman's a transvestite. Everyone knows that."

            "But he's a man! Dressed as a woman!"

            A shot rings out. Lestan whirls to see Williams with a knife posed to strike. Then he collapses to the ground.

            "What the--?" In the shadows by the door, he spots a cat-like figure in a black vinyl jumpsuit holding a berretta. The slender man tossed his black mane out of his eyes and laughed softly.

            "Mr. Kinsey! What are you doing here?"

            "I'm trying to find out the location of Dr. Evil's secret base. New Orleans is my town too. And you looked like you could use a hand."

            "Gun!" Lestan shouted, and pushed him out the door. Mr. Kinsey landed on his stomach as the first shot rang out, and Lestan fell on top of him.

            "You can get off me now, they have stopped shooting."

            "This brings back memories, doesn't it Mr. Kinsey?"

            "Not now Lestan."

            A van rounds the corner, and accelerated. "To the Shaguar!"

            Mr. Kinsey caught up a knapsack and swung in. "Judo flip!" Lestan yelled and vaulted into the driver's seat.

            The van was almost on top of them. A white-faced man leaned out and began shooting. "Damnit, haven't they ever heard make love, not war?" Lestan careened around a corner. The van followed, smashing into a Dodge pacer, sending it into a wall.

            "It's a war machine!" Mr. Kinsey gasped. He fumbled in his knapsack.

            "Oh, look, they brought the calvary." Another car joined the pursuit.

            "I'll take care of them." Mr. Kinsey stood up, his magnificent mane whipping around his blazing eyes. He hefted a monstrous device.

            "What in blazes is that?"

            "A flame thrower."

            The blast knocked the van completely over backwards before it was engulfed in flames. He chuckled softly and slipped back down into the seat. 

"Now how are we going to question them? Little practicalities, Mr. Kinsey."

            "Oh, sorry. We still have that other car."

            "Right. And they're closing in."

            "They're right behind us. Give them a brake job."

            "Mr. Kinsey! That's hardly appropriate at the moment!"

            "I mean—oh, just---can't you fly?"

            "Smashing plan, baby! Take the wheel!" Lestan takes to the air, and lands behind the other driver. Grabbing him by the throat, "Judo chop!" and knocked out his accomplice.

            The two cars pulled over. Lestan dragged out the driver. Mr. Kinsey approached slowly, in that loose, seductive walk of his. Lestan had to pick up his tongue to address the situation in hand. *ahem* "Who are you working for?"

            "Shouldn't that be whom?"

            "I'll never talk!"

"Who are you working for?"

"You can torture me all you like, I'll never talk!" Mr. Kinsey licked his lips.

"Who are you working for?"

"Aaargh! Dr. Evil! I was sent to kill you!"

"Come to think of it, Mr. Kinsey, who do you work for? You've never said."

Kinsey smiled at him through hooded eyes. "Does it matter?" he purred.

Lestan turned back to the vampire he held by the collar. "Where is Dr. Evil's secret lair?"

"I don't know!"

"Where is Dr. Evil's secret lair?"

"I'll never say!"

"Oh, Lestan." Kinsey sighed, and sank his fangs into the prisoner. A few minutes later, he straightened, licking the blood off his lips. "I know where it is. It's in a volcano, on an island. What? Why are you staring?"

"Haven't you ever learned to share?"

"Mmm, here..." he pulled Lestan close and drove his tongue into his mouth. When Lestan had licked the inside of his mouth clean, he pulled away, and they walked back to the car.

"What about him?" Mr. Kinsey gestured to the vampire on the ground.

"Oh, I expect the sun will be up soon. Let's report back to the Motherhouse."


	2. Lestan Powers Chapter 2

Part II---Lestan Powers International Vamp of Mystery!    (2/3)

_Aka "What have I done?"_

Rated R: I get a bit naughty, that means slash!

Disclaimers and Warnings: same as before (More shameless stereotypes and new levels of stupid)/**Spoilers: Armband**

DR. EVIL'S SECRET VOLCANO BASE

            Dr. Evil has gathered his minions for a meeting. "Alright, shut up. Where's Daniel?"

            "In his room," Frau. Chaud answered coldly.

            "Darn it, I told him he had to watch Daddy while he's working. This will all be his someday."

            "I'll call him."

            "That won't be—"

            "DANIEL!!!!"

            Dr. Evil grimaced. "Is anyone else's ears ringing? Or is it just me? I don't know."

            The young Evil stomped in. "What the hell is it now? I was playing the new Tomb Raider."

            "Daniel, is that what you do with your time? Play video games?"

            "I do work part-time at a petting zoo."

            "An evil petting zoo?"

            "What the hell is an evil petting zoo? Would it have vampire lambs and bunnies? What's the matter with you?"

            "Danny, Daddy's working. Try to use the big boy voice."

            "I'm outta here." He stalked out.

            "Daniel. Remember, we have therapy at seven."

            "Screw you!"

            "I'm afraid he's not cutting it as evil. You working on the side project I mentioned Frau. Chaud?" She nodded. Dr. Evil put the booster seat in his chair and sat down.

            "Bad news, Dr. Evil. Lestan Powers has come out from underground, and has just killed five of our agents."

            "What am I paying you people for, No. 2? Send someone to kill him!"

            "I did. I just said that. And they're dead."

            "Send someone else. You, Red Painter, take your new fledgling and stop him before he finds our base."

            "Ah, Dr. Evil, there is something else. Kinsey is with him."

            "So he's back too." He glowered for a moment, and raised his pinkie to his lip. "Kill Lestan Powers, but bring Mr. Kinsey here. Alive. And don't touch the face."

            "Dr. Evil, is that wise to---?"

            "Shhht."

            "But bringing—"

            "SHHT.

            "I just—"

            "Shhhhht. Infinity."

            "Don't you think---?"

            "Shhhht. I'm going to open up a can of shhht on you."

            "Fine."

            "Don't take that tone with me mister. Whose face is on the side of this volcano, hmm? Tell me."

            "You."

            "What was that?"

            "Yours, Dr. Evil."

            The Red Painter swung his bag of special brushes and palette knives over his shoulder, and took to the air with the blond nymph. "Lestan Powers is no match for us!" he shouted triumphantly, and flew off into the night.

            "Riiiiiight. Frau. Chaud, I hope you have something _else_ planned. You seem to be one of the few competents around here."

            "There is a certain little project of mine. It'll be perfect for dealing with Powers. Send in THE FEMBOTS!!!"

            A panel opened in the wall, and five blonde bombshells strode in. "They are as seductive as they are deadly. Lestan's libido has been denied for almost a century. He'll be helpless as they suck him dry."

            "Excellent! One more thing Frauliene."

            "Yes, Doktor?"

            "Get me another phone book, I still can't reach my coffee."

MOTHERHOUSE

            "Really, Lestan. How you can trust him?" David asked.

"I don't trust Dr. Evil half as far as I can throw him."

"No, man. This Mr. Kinsey? Does he work for the French?"

"I don't know."

"See, you don't even know him."

"Oh, believe me, I know all of him quite well."

"Is there anyone you haven't slept with?"

"You."

David chose to ignore that, "Isn't he the one who set you on fire?"

"Yes."

"Didn't he stand by while you were being knifed?"

"Yeahhh."

" And didn't he burn down that theater you were in? And wasn't he the vampire who almost crushed your throat as a mortal?"

"Oh, he'd never really hurt me. We're past all that anyway. "

************

"Are you done with David?" Mr. Kinsey said haughtily.

            "Yes. What's your problem with him?"

            "Either he doesn't trust me, or he treats me like a child. A child he can't wait to fondle."

            "Speaking of which…Heeere's my room. It's psychedelic baby. Even the furniture has velour insets!"

            "Groovy pad. Have you got the plans for that bomb yet?"

            "Why?" Lestan locked the door behind him.

            "We may need to disarm it."

            "I'm sure I can figure it out."

            "Really, Lestan…."

            "Oh, I tripped!" He knocked Mr. Kinsey onto the bed.

            "Lestan!" He tried to wriggle away.

            "I tripped again!" Lestan flopped on top of him, pinning him down.

            "Damnit Lestan! Get off me! You should be chained in a cellar!"

            "Agent Maharet always says that." His hands swept over Kinsey's luscious haunches despite attempts to pry him off.

            "I said no! We have to save the world!" He flipped over, but that just allowed Lestan to unzip his suit to the waist.

            "I _am_ trying to save something. I have the world's bluest stones here."

            "Lestan, I'm warning you," Mr. Kinsey held up a lighter.

            "Oh, hell." He let him up, and the raven-haired vampire bolted out the door.

            "Fine! But if you're not at the hanger in twenty minutes, I'm leaving without you!"

**************

            Lestan glared at his watch. "Damn that temper of his. I'll just have to fly there without him and his lithe…supple….body…. in my arms…"

            "HARRRR!" The Red Painter stabbed him in the back with a sharpened paintbrush.

            "Ow! Damn it! That really hurt! What the hell is the matter with you? Who stabs people with paint brushes anyway?"

            "I AM THE RED PAINTER!! AND I AM GOING TO BE KILLING YOU NOW!!"

            "Judo chop!" Lestan smacked him in the head, dropping him like a rock. "Bloody idiot."

            "You must be Brat Powers," cooed a voice from a corner. He turned to see a pale blonde woman striding up to him. "I never realized how sexy you'd be in action." She pressed herself up against him.

            "That's Lestan Powers. Brat's my middle name."

            "Oh," she gasped, and tore his shirt open. "Oooh, you're hairy, _like animal_!"

            Lestan brushed the clumps of hair off his chest. "Oh sorry, I guess Mojo's been laying on this shirt."

            "Let me make sweet love to you, you dangerous, sexy man!"

            "And who might you be?"

            "Alotta Crepe."

            Lestan glanced at the Red Painter lying on the floor. "I suppose I should burn him first…"

            "I am the one who's burning," she panted, "I must take you now!"

            "Let's go in the back and shag! Yeah, baby, yeah!"

DIVINE INSTITUTE FOR METAPHYSICAL RESEARCH (a real place, I swear)

            "Mr. Evil?" the secretary called.

            "That's Doctor, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called Mister."

            "You must be Daniel." She bent down to smile at the diminutive fellow.

            "No, I'm Dr. Evil. This is my son, Daniel."

            "Young man, you certainly have a sense of humor." Daniel cracked up. "Dr. Moonunit will see you now," and she pulled aside the beaded curtain.

            Daniel rubbed Dr. Evil's chrome dome. "C'mon Pop." 

            "Please call me Samantha. I want this to be as nurturing an environment as possible. I already know you're Daniel, but I don't know your name Dr. Evil."

            "My name _is_ Dr. Evil."

            She chewed her lip. "Oookaay. Why don't we start by having you talk about your life? What do you do for a living?"

            "Aside from being Undead, I run an evil organization bent on world domination."

            "Hmmm. I would like you to stop using the term 'evil'. It's a negative, and it pollutes your aura. Why don't you tell us about your childhood instead?"

            Daniel smirked. "This oughta be good."

            "Now, Daniel, we aren't hear to judge each other, we're here to 'listen'."

"Hush, Danny. Daddy's talking. The details of my life are inconsequential."

"No, please do go on."

" I was born in Kiev Russ, and lived there till I was kidnapped by Tartars, who violated me and sold me into slavery in Italy. Then I was bought as a boy-toy for an ancient vampire who made me one too, after I poisoned by one of my former lovers. Pretty standard stuff really.

            Then my brothers were burned, and I was captured and inducted into a coven who ritualistically brainwashed me and forced me to kill my best friend. I spent most of my life with them, worshiping Satan---"

            "Um, we have to stop."

********MEANWHILE*********

            Our hero was already bound to the wall, but was not enjoying himself. "Stop! For the love of heaven, stop!"

            "This is only the first movement!" Alotta squealed with glee.

            "This is the sixteenth time you've played that song! Even the piano is disgusted!"

            "Not till I get what I want!" she gracefully rounded out the piece and dove back into the beginning.

"No, no no…" He glared at the piano, and made it burst into flame. She screamed. "Damn you!" came a man's baritone.

            "Huh?"

            "I leave for a few minutes and you're already with—That! And you have a bonfire without me!"

            "Enter the First to Die," Alotta pulled the fire axe from the wall.

            "I don't want to fight you."

            "Mr. Kinsey, look out!" Lestan struggled to free himself.

            "Prepare to die fool!" She swung the axe, but only found her face connecting with Mr. Kinsey's fist. He twisted the handle to pull her off balance, and kicked her hard in the stomach. She reeled back away, and forced herself to straighten to charge again. But Kinsey sent her flying with a roundhouse. He swung the axe into the crates stacked along the wall, jarring them loose. Alotta opened her mouth to scream, but had no chance before she was buried.

            Kinsey adjusted his sunglasses, and pivoted to face Lestan. He moved closer until his lips were almost brushing Lestan's. "Good lord, Mr. Kinsey. What is that pressing into me?"

"My bazooka."

"Mine certainly is about to fire."

"No, it really is my bazooka." He turned around to show him the weapon he had slung from a strap across his back. 

"Where did you get that?"

"Oh, here and there. You know, I was lying before," he breathed in his ear. "I was just jealous that _I _didn't get to blow up the piano."

"Nice how no one is questioning how the piano came to be in here."

"You'd be surprised at some of the stuff I found. There's a mummy by the east wall…. But that's not what I want to discuss."

"Oh?" Lestan asked. Mr. Kinsey licked his mouth, and pulled back to nip his lip. "Am I getting you randy?"

Mr. Kinsey smiled and began to work on his neck. "There is...there is time isn't there? I mean…we have till tomorrow before the dead…deadline is?" he panted. He traveled to Lestan's shoulder, gnawing lightly, and scratching with his fangs.

"We can always rebuild," Lestan offered. "You burned down half the city once, and everything's fine now."

"Do you hear something?"

"Only the throbbing in my loins."

"No, it's more of a scratching…"

"Prepare to DIE fools!"

"Aggh! She's not dead!"

Mr. Kinsey swung his svelte form around, pulling the bazooka smoothly over his shoulder. "Now exit Alotta."

She screamed, and the missile struck her right in the chest, tearing her into a massive fireball.

"Yeah baby yeah!"

"Now I'm randy." He pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head.

"Come here and I'll do everything I can."

"I think I should perhaps untie you. Quickly." He kissed his wrist and pulled at the knots with his teeth.

"I am warning you Mr. Kinsey," Lestan panted. I am going to be an animal." The knot fell away, and he reached for him.

"Is that a promise?"

"I just have this nagging feeling that we are forgetting something."

"The fire is already dying down."

"No, not that. Something important. Damn. This is going to bother me all night."

"YOU MEAN ME?!" The Red Painter wrenched the bazooka off Kinsey's shoulder, and belted him across the head with a sickening thud. Kinsey crumpled to the floor, and struggled to push himself back up. The Painter grabbed Kinsey by the arms, and pulled him up so Lestan could see the dazed fright in the verdigris eyes.

"No!" Lestan ripped his arm free as the Painter dashed out with his partner. He bolted after them, but they had vanished.

"MR. KIIIIINSEEEEEY!"


	3. Lestan Powers Chapter 3

Sorry this has taken so long—I've been swamped with finals and my job…. So here it is, hope everyone likes it. Oh, and Mr. Kinsey's costume at the end came from I dream I had, and he looked **damn good**. He's welcome to appear anytime in future dreams J.

Lestan Powers: International Vamp of Mystery Part III 

Warnings and disclaimer: If you've gotten this far without reading them, I'm not typing them all again. Nobody's mine, I make no money off this, in fact, there are many things I ought to be doing instead, studying for finals, typing that 25 page paper due today, etc ad nauseum…. That and I can't spell frauliene. And I think I shoulda called the cat Denis. But I ramble….

On to the story, now with extra cheese!

            "I'm sorry, Lestan, but the sun is too near. You'll never make it."

            "Never say never old man. Oh, bloody 'ell, you're right, David, I know," he grumbled, "but I don't have to like it."

            Talbot led him deeper into the underground base. "Don't worry, Lestan. I'll take good care of your Mojo."

You got that right baby. David's held up pretty well. I have to shag something soon, baby. Oh! Good God! His arse! It just goes straight down! I can't shag anyone with old man butt!

_            Hmm, on the bright side, I think that knocked the libido right out of me._

            The huge dog jumped out into the hall, and crashed up against Lestan's legs. "Go to David, love." Mojo put his paws on the man's shoulders, and panted with his tongue lolling.

            "Remember, you must walk him, and make sure he has plenty of water. He likes those rawhide bones, but you must hold them for him while he chews. And you must talk to him, and tell him that he's a good dog, and a pretty dog…."

            "I'll walk him, Lestan."

            Lestan blinked for a moment. "Oh, well, jolly good. Cheerio, David." Lestan watched the man retreat, taking another cautious glance at his rear, and bared his big buck fangs in disgust. "It's a good thing that I'm a vampire, and that horrible fate will never befall me."

"I HAVE RETURNED TRIUMPHANT!" the Red Painter bellowed. "But at great cost, my fledgling is no more."

The lair erupted with cheering and clapping. The Painter whirled on them. "What are you cheering for?"

"We're….uh….cheering your triumphant return. Yeah…your return."

"So, Red Painter," Dr. Evil stroked his poor bald cat, "You have killed Lestan Powers, dare I hope?"

"Not exactly…."

"Red Painter, either you are dead, or you're not. For example, when I throw you into that boiling hot mag-ma over there, you will certainly be dead."

"I didn't fail entirely."

"Riiiiight."

"No, here, I have a gift for you." He hefted the large red bundle off his shoulder, and unrolled a very stunned Mr. Kinsey.

"Excellent! Excellent! You may not be entirely useless after all."

The prisoner sat up, with his long legs bent slightly and sprawled before him. He still managed to look completely composed, and dignified, while staring up at the villains seated before him.

"Nice place, who does your decorating, the local coroner?" he said. Daniel started to snort, and Dr. Evil gave him a withering glare.

Mr. Kinsey's eyes widened suddenly. "What have you done to that poor cat?"

"I'm evil, remember?" the doctor sneered.

"Evil, yes, cruel, maybe, but torturing animals, that--that's just plain wrong!"

"You sound more like Powers all the time."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Frau. Chaud tapped her boot with a riding crop, and two guards came in. "Take care of Mr. Kinsey," she sneered. They hauled the vampire to his feet and chained his hands behind his back. "Search him," she commanded.

The Painter broke in, "Don't worry, I already got his lighter." 

Mr. Kinsey wasn't worried. He still had a book of matches taped to his ankle. 

Daniel shifted in his seat. "I say we do a body cavity search. Why don't you take him to my room oVER--!" He shrieked as Dr. Evil dropped Mr. Laurent into his lap.

"Aggh! Get if off, get it off, get it off!"

"Aw, I think Mr. Laurent likes you. Too bad I can't say the same."

Evil stood up. "Bring him." The whole group reconvened on the platform extending over the active center of the volcano.

Mr. Kinsey made the obligatory defiant statement, "Lestan Powers will stop you!"

"I hope Powers does show up. You know what we will do? Red Painter!"

The Painter picked up an empty crate and pitched it into the crater. The wood burst into flames and was charred ash long before it hit the lava. Dr. Evil cackled. No. 2 said, "He may be able to survive the sun, but even he can't withstand boiling hot mag-ma."

Dr. Evil turned, ready to relish the terror in Mr. Kinsey's face. Instead, he found—delight. Utter delight.

He sighed. But the Red Painter was determined. "Yeah, WE DO THIS TO POWERS!!!" He raised another crate.

No. 2 yelled, "Red, wait!" but it was too late. "That had munitions!"

"Hit the deck!" Daniel squawked. The crate exploded, shaking the whole secret base, ripping off the front half of the platform, and incinerating the closest guards. Mr. Kinsey was beside himself with glee. 

"You! Damn you!" Dr. Evil lunged at the Painter, who bolted for his life. Dr. Evil chased him around till he ran out of breath, and stood with his hands on his knees panting. "Stay..there…I'll kill you..as soon..as I get my...breath….I'm feeling...chest pain. Definitely radiating from my left arm. Possible coronary."

"You are so pathetic," Daniel slouched in his chair.

Dr. Evil straightened up. "Take Kinsey and chain him in the storeroom. I'll deal with him after the sun sets."

"Why don't you put him downstairs in one of the jail cells?"

"I'm not walking all the way down there when I want to taunt and humiliate him."

"Lestan Powers will stop you!" Kinsey shouted bravely.

As they dragged him out, Dr Evil announced, "Tomorrow, we will blow up New Orleans and bring the United Nations to their knees. Who-ho-hah-ha! Ha ha hah!"

The rest joined in, "W   HA HA HAH! MWAH HAH HA HA! HA HA HA HAA!"

And so the sun rose, and yay, it was good. Mojo dug up David's yard, and made merry, and yellow spots on the lawn, the lawn that David did trim with scissors every weekend, rain or shine. And David did curse Lestan Powers and his hyperactive Mojo.

 The President and World Leaders attempted to raise the ransom. Bill Clinton had petitioned them to save New Orleans, with its fine institution of Mardi Gras. Clinton sobbed, "If you good men just sit by, plastic beads will forevermore be just cheap jewelry." They were moved; even the Republican's hearts lurched in their chests, some of which hadn't moved in decades.

And eventually, the sun set.

SECRET VOLCANO BASE

            Mr. Kinsey woke to find himself on a metal table, with his arms chained outstretched, and his ankles bound to end of the table. He was, with some chagrin, no longer wearing his black catsuit, but a chain mesh shirt, with silver vinyl pants, and silver calf boots. He struggled against his restraints, but was quite trapped.

            Dr. Evil entered, and leered down at him. "Like your quasi-future clothes? I designed them myself."

            Kinsey glared at the pants. "Oh, is that what they are? I thought you killed a weather balloon."

            "Dr. Evil, may I speak with you a minute?" No. 2 walked in.

            "No you may not," he answered, tracing circles with his finger on Kinsey's hard pec. Kinsey snarled. 

"Be quiet, or I'll show my vacation slides again."

            "Anything but that!" his eyes went wide with terror.

            "Dr. Evil, it's urgent that I speak with you." No. 2 implored.

            "Oh, all right," he stomped out into the hall.

            "Dr. Evil, have you even considered how we are going to get the bomb to New Orleans?"

            "Well, I thought I'd have the Red Painter fly it there."

            "He is not going to just stand there with a bomb!"

            "Oh, I'm sorry No. 2, it seems you haven't met the Red Painter yet. Here, I'll introduce you."

            "Dr. Evil!"

            "Oh, crap. Just strap it to a rocket. Frickin' morons, what do I pay you people for, honestly…."

            "Hey Dad! Why'd you kill our therapist?" Daniel burst in, wearing a smiley face T-shirt that had bloody fangs and the phrase 'Bite Me'. "We had a breakthrough!"

            "I'm through with therapy Daniel."

            "But she isn't the only one on this island. We could try someone else. There's Dr. Dweezel, and Dr. Ahmet…"

            "Daddy's busy Daniel. Go play video games."

            "I hate all my games. I want a Playstation 2."

            "Then you should have gotten on the waiting list two years ago like everyone else."

NEW ORLEANS

            "Mojo! There's my boy! Ready to save the world?"

            "You're taking him with you?" David asked.

            "I'm not leaving him here. What if the bomb goes off?"

            "I—uh—What about ME?"

            "Don't worry. If Dr. Evil does get that bomb past us, you'll still have your house in England."

            "I..I…But—".

            Our hero arrived quickly at the island with his trusty canine companion. They stalked through the jungle at the edge of the beach, heading for the volcano.

            Something rustled in the bushes. "What the—oh it's a seagull. Hey little bugger, did we interrupt your sleepytime?"

            Mojo spotted it, and began to bark. Startled, it took to the air. Mojo ran out onto the beach, barking madly. "Mojo, no!" Lestan ran after him.

            "Hold it!"

            Lestan spun around to face a battalion of guards armed with flame throwers. "Oh, bloody 'ell."

            "March."

            He raised his hands over his head. "You know, I'm sure I could find it on my own."

            Dr. Evil had returned to taunt his prisoner. Mr. Kinsey was standing now, his wrists handcuffed and stretched over his head by a chain hanging from a rafter. He'd been forced into different clothes yet again. Kinsey was magnificently bare-chested, with tight black vinyl pants, and thigh high boots that only accentuated his slender legs. He also had arm-length gloves, and was blindfolded by a black mask. 

Dr. Evil was quite pleased. He scraped a nail down his fang, "Now, where were we?"

_Keep talking, it'll make it easier to kick your teeth through the back of your head._ Kinsey gripped the chain for leverage.

"Dad, Dad!"

"Not now Daniel!"

"But they got Lestan Powers!"

"Damn, can't I get a few minutes for myself?"

Daniel smirked, "A _few_ minutes?"

"Daniel, don't insult Daddy in front of our enemies."

The young vampire glanced at the sublime Adonis bound before them. "How Reznorian."

"Come along Daniel."

"Wait, you're just leaving him here?"

"There's a guard."

Daniel repeated, "You're just leaving him here with one inept guard? A mortal?"

"Yes. Come meet Daddy's arch-enemy."

            "Welcome, Mr. Powers. You're just in time to watch."

            Daniel asked, appalled, "You're just letting him sit there? With that dog?"

            "He's on a chain collar."

            "But—"

            "Not now." He flipped out a remote, and sank into his wheeled chair, and swung it around to face the TV screen.

            The United Nation's Secret Crisis Room came into focus. "I trust you've considered my offer?"

            "Dr. Evil, you are a fiendish and inhuman monster."

            "Flattery won't get you mercy. And, as you can see, I have your operatives." He pushed himself backwards across the floor so the table's occupants were revealed.

            "We have your money."

            "Good." He tried to flip the TV off, but changed it to an old Star Trek episode instead.

            "It's my…SHIP. It's..MY…SHIP…damnit…"

            He smacked the remote, and got---MTV. He shrieked in horror.

            "Burn his butt. Heh heh heh."

            "Yeah, fire, fire, fire. Heh heh heh heh."

            He compromised by throwing the remote through the screen.

            "Speaking of which, what have you done with Mr. Kinsey?" Lestan demanded.

            Daniel snorted, "Nothing yet!"

            The bald megalomaniac wheeled his chair back to the table. "Prepare the mis-sile. We're going to blow up N'Olreans anyway. Because I'm evil, mwah hah ha!" He picked up his cat and stroked it gleefully.

            Mojo's head shot up, and he pulled away from the guard. The cat scrambled out of Dr. Evil's arms, and bolted with the dog hot on its tail. "Mr. Laurent!"

            Evil whirled on them. "You'll pay for that, Powers!"

            "And you!" The guard backed up till he fell into a chair. "You've upset Mr. Laurent. And when Mr. Laurent gets upset, PEOPLE DIE!" Evil pressed a button on the table, and the chair ejected the man into the volcano.

            "Excellent addition Frau. Chaud." She gave him a thumbs up.

            "Ooh! Ooh! Can I eject Powers into the volcano Dad?"

            "No, Daniel. I have a far more complicated and exotic death planned for him."

            "Come on! It would be easy. I want to do it. It would be fun!"

            "I said no."

            "We could do it together. It'd be a bonding thing."

            "I've had enough of you." He scanned the list for Daniel's name, but Chaud smacked his hand with her riding crop.

            "As you see Powers, the Chains of Maharet will hold you to the platform as we lower you slowly into the volcano. Now I must leave and look for my precious cat."

            Daniel's voice faded after him. 'You're just leaving? You won't watch?"

            "You have a lot to learn about being an evil villain."

            Lestan took a cautious glance down. Then he unlocked the chains with his mind, and jumped on the one inept guard. "Judo chop!" he yelled, knocking him in.

            "Alright!" He jumped into a golf cart and turned it back towards the bowels of the base. "Now to find Mr. Kinsey and save the world!"

            The aisle turned out to be a dead end. He backed the cart into a K-turn, only managing to get it stuck sideways. "Oh, heck, I'll just pick it up." He hoisted it above his head, and heard a scraping metallic noise. Tentatively, he let go, and affirmed his suspicions. The cart was now wedged above his head in between the walls. He pulled on it, kicking and grunting, but it wouldn't budge.

            Someone giggled. Lestan found himself facing a blonde woman. She winked and dashed through a door.

            He darted after her, and found himself in a roomful of lingerie-clad beauties. They cooed, "Hello Mr. Powers."

            "And who might you be?" he grinned goofily.

            "I'm Gretchen."

            "I'm Dora."

            In a second, they were on him, petting and stroking him into stupefied submission. "We were having a slumber party."

            "But something was missing."

            "Don't worry, I'm here now."

Mr. Kinsey was disgusted. His arms were going numb, he couldn't see, and he hadn't been fed. The smell of the guard was tormenting him. But Lestan was here now, so he could take care of that.

He began to struggle. The man came running over, "Stop that! Or else!"

He threw his head back with haughty defiance. "Or else what?" his lips curled up sensuously. "Will you punish me?" he growled low, voice thick with lust. The guard was dumbfounded, and stared in fascination as Kinsey shifted his weight onto one hip, muscles sliding under his taut, ivory flesh.

He swallowed. "Yes, I might."

"Come here and tell me. Tell me what you are going to do to me."

He found his feet moving him forward, and he set his gun aside and reached out to tangle a hand in ebon waves. Kinsey wrapped his legs around his waist.

"Tell me you want me," the guard groaned, grinding against him.

"I want…I want you to die," Kinsey breathed, crushing the man against him, and sank his teeth.

            He dropped the body to the floor. Then he rubbed his face on his arm, till the mask dislodged enough for him to see what he was doing. He inverted himself and tangled an ankle in the chain, so he was hanging upside down. With his hands free now, he removed a length of wire curled between his molars, and picked the lock on the cuffs.

            The vampire dropped to the ground like a sleek black panther. He slid the gun into his waistband, and examined what was left of the guard. "Nice duster," and he slid on the black coat.

            Lestan was helpless on the bed under the fembots. "There's something I'm forgetting… Mr. Kinsey—I have to save the world!" He jumped up, but they pulled him back, and began massaging his shoulders.

            "Oh, that's lovely….No! No!" He tried to push them off. The Dora-bot straddled his legs.

            "Give up Mr. Powers."

            "No, no, uh..cold showers…cold showers! Janet Reno in a bikini…Bob Dole in hotpants….David naked on a cold day! David naked on a cold day!!"

            "Give up."

"You can't resist us." They gave him a smug smile.

Lestan rallied, "Oh, really? I think its _you_ who can't resist me," and he ripped open his shirt. Mentally cranking the music, 'Shake Your Bootie', he jumped to his feet and began to shake his groove thang. 

"Yeah, baby, yeah!" He pulled off his shirt and swung it above his head. "I'm a sex machine, baby!" he smacked himself on the arse, and bent over to tear off his pants. "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Am I getting you randy?"

 Clad only in unionjack underwear, he threw himself into a split, and got stuck. Rolling over, he posed, and scrambled to his feet.

"There's smoke coming out of your ears baby!" he pulled a fembot close, and pushed her back onto the bed. 

He spun around, bumping the computer console. The coke someone had left on top spilled, frying all the circuits. Lestan sashayed his hips, as the fembots started to smoke and spark. Gretchen's head blew off, and the rest began to combust or explode. Lestan kept dancing in his undies, singing "Shake, shake, shake! Shake your bootie! Yeah!"

"Lestan!" someone called from the doorway.

"Mr. Kinsey! Mojo!" Mojo smiled a big doggy smile.

"Reporting for duty, sir!" Kinsey gave him a mock salute. 

"At ease, lieutenant."

"Likewise," he glanced down. "Do you ever think of anything else?"

"Not if I can help it."

"Oh behave."

"No, really, they were these women, fembots…Dora, Gretchen, and they couldn't resist me, they loved me…AND… and I had to dance! And they blew their tops, and I was singing...and I ended up in my knickers here…and…"

"Alright, I believe you."

"You do?"

Very long pause, "Yes."

"Let's go save the world then!"

"Maybe you should put on some pants first."

"Prepare to launch the mis-isle!" Dr. Evil rubbed his hands together with fiendish glee.

"COUNTDOWN, ONE MINUTE!" Frau. Chaud announced.

"Not so fast, Dr. Evil!" Lestan shouted from the balcony.

"Stop him!"

Lestan and Mr. Kinsey charged down the stairs, guns blazing.

"ARGGGH!" The Red Painter jumped on Lestan.

"You bastard!" They wrestled on the floor, snarling.

"Get him Lestan!" Kinsey shouted, taking down guards left and right.

"I'm going to ….grrr… enjoy…ripping you apart, Powers!"

"COUNTDOWN, 20 SECONDS!"

"Lestan, use your head!"

"Good idea, Mr. Kinsey!" He head-butted the Painter, and knocked him out cold.

"Um, excellent, Lestan."

"COUNTDOWN, TEN SECONDS!"

"The missile's about to launch! We have to stop it!"

Lestan looked around. "There's the abort button!"

"FIVE SECONDS!"

"Hurry!"

"FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE….."

Lestan yelled "NOOOOOOO!" and lunged for it, striking it as he fell.

"ABORT, ABORT, ABORT."

"You did it, Lestan!"

Dr. Evil decided make a strategic retreat, but Lestan spotted him. "Come back here, you bastard!"

"Prepare to die FOOLS!" Frau. Chaud arrived with a new battalion of guards.

"Don't worry about me, Lestan. Stop Dr. Evil!"

"Right!" he agreed, and flew after his nemesis.

Chaud uncurled her bullwhip. "You are weak and foolish."

"Better than being a bitter old maid."

"German swearing!!!" and she lashed Mr. Kinsey across the chest, ripping open a scarlet gash.

"Madame, I never hit a lady. Fortunately that won't be a problem here."

She whipped him again, but he tangled the lash around his arm and jerked her off her feet. He sprang forward, and finished her off with a punch.

"Mr. Laurent! Din-din!" Dr. Evil shook a bag of cat food. "I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver! Friskies! Whiskas? Come on, you promised you wouldn't make Daddy do this again."

"All right then!" He began flapping his arms like a chicken, "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!"

"Hold on there, Dr. Evil!"

"Or what?" He snapped his fingers, and No. 2 dragged in Mr. Kinsey.

"Not again! I'm sorry Lestan, I really don't know what happened!"

Daniel barged in, "Hey Dad, can I bring my Playboys?"

"Aha!" Lestan grabbed him. "I got you now, Dr. Evil."

"Kill the little bastard. I can't stand him, and he can't stand me."

"But Dad—"

"Judo chop!" Kinsey walloped No. 2.

Dr. Evil picked up his cat. "Gotta go!" He ran out through the door, and it slid shut before Lestan could get him. The base started to shake, and smoke poured out into the room.

"What's happening?" Kinsey grabbed a table to keep from falling.

"It's a rocket! He's going into space!" Daniel wailed. "He's abandoning me!" He suddenly realized his company, and bolted.

"Damn you Dr. Evil! I'll get you someday!"

Mojo padded in when things had quieted down, and sat by his side.

"Hey, Lestan. How fast can you fly?"

"I can't go into space." He bent down to fuss over his dog.

"No, I'm talking about the bomb." 

Lestan looked at where Mr. Kinsey was looking, the crater, and back at the bomb. "Oh, no no no no."

"Come on! Can you imagine the explosion?"

"No!"

Kinsey pouted. This reminded Lestan that he was free now, and hadn't had any in about eighty years, and was within inches of an essentially bare-chested Mr. Kinsey. The lithe and divinely limber Mr. Kinsey….

"Where's the nearest hotel?" he asked quickly.

"Lestan! Shouldn't we call David to disarm the bomb?"

"I'm sure I can do it."

"Really, he has trained experts and everything."

"How hard can it be? Here, see. It's always the red one." He ripped the wire out, and the device beeped.

"What was that?"

"I'm sure its nothing. No one's around. Here, let's clear this table off, it'll be faster."

"Then why is this counter moving?"

"What counter?"

"This one that says five. Now four, three…" Lestan grabbed him and Mojo and dashed out like quicksilver.

Airborne, and miles away, they watched the explosion tear the island apart. The sky lit up bright as day, before smoke and steam where the magma hit the seawater obscured the horizon.

"It's beautiful!" Mr. Kinsey exclaimed.

"I'm starting to see your point."

"Don't you dare steal my trademark."

Lestan rubbed noses with him. "I wouldn't dream of it. Come on, I'm going to shag you rotten, baby!"

THE END


End file.
